i went home for the holidays -- to the family home, my birth home (click for the Caspar slide show) * i was born in the upstairs bedroom on the southwest corner of the old mill manager's house in Caspar, California (a few miles up the coast from Mendocino) * it was a thriving mill, thanks to the nearby redwood forests (still majestic after all that logging) but now we joke that it's a friendly ghost town (spelled with 2 a's) * my folks live right in downtown Caspar, at the intersection of Caspar Street & Caspar Road (across the street from the Caspar Inn) * there's a recording studio, a printing press & that's about it, along with the church (now a shul) & recently acquired community center (all within sight of my folks' house) * then of course there's the ocean, a short walk out onto the headlands (publicly owned) *

i feel so lucky to be able to go back there & to know that my ashes will be buried under a tree there (so long as there's somebody to bring them there) * even though i prefer to live on a river, & prefer Washington or Oregon (for now), i appreciate knowing that i can always go back to Caspar & the space will be found for me to stay as long as i want * with all the moving around i do it's a blessing to have a permanent address there * on this visit i really thought about going back again * it's so gorgeous & vivid there between the redwoods & the headlands (great drives in all directions) * it's Cali (touristy, expensive, over-run), but Caspar is a quiet place with a lot of potential * not enough rivers though, & no fish in them any more anyway *

but, my inner voice says, there's the old house to be worked on & the new house to be finished * working with my hands always makes me really happy & i feel like i'd be crazy not to spend more time working with my dad & learning how to make my home my own * not to mention living near my folks again * so maybe i'll do that if i get tired of Corvallis in the next few years... it's just i hate to move somewhere i'm not gonna stay but i guess why not?

i bad-mouthed Oly, another beloved home even though i don't live there, once while i was in Caspar ...it was awful, but a kinda relief too * we were at breakfast with family friends (Daniel being my first friend ever -- we shared a room on the first floor of the old mill manager's house & a childhood dream of having so many toys to stack on our top bunk that we could make a tunnel through them) & when they were surprised to hear i'm not in Oly any more i said "nope, done with Oly" & my heart hurt to hear it * i'm not done with Oly, or at least, it's still a home i could go back to * it's just that i didn't want to think about it or explain why i'm gone * i am there too often in my dreams & my first thoughts on too many mornings are rooted in Oly * the good stuff ...usually * i get flashes of the beautiful views, the feel of being on familiar streets -- of living so many years in the same web of streets... i think of my best friend's house, the one i watched him rebuild before i knew him & i can't wait to find my own home for keeps *

these images mingle with new ones from my trip * images of the old house turned into a shop, the new house still getting its finishing touches * the feeling of being around 2 people who honestly love each other & have for almost as long as i can remember now ("my folks" are my dad & Rochelle, more a second mother & a friend than a step-mom) * the songs of the beautiful strong women (Sade, Lucinda Williams, Kerry Lauder, Storm) i listened to (over & over again) driving my new truck may always bring flashes of the Northern Cali, Southern Oregon coast * i'll even remember the funny little theatre in Brookings where i watched the Return of the King (o boy, new crushes! i've loved Viggo for some time now but that fool of a Took Pippin got me this time!) *

& then there's the snow outside my door now!