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the Obsession Chronicles

how crazy am i

crushing out

flying right along, as i have been doing for the last 2 months, i am in the joyful midst of a new obsession * or maybe it's a delightful mix of a few old ones *

as these pages make clear, obsessing is one of my most favorite pastimes * it's a rare thing that a good new one comes along & when it does i'm not afraid to leap into the deep end on discovery * maybe it's not even a choice -- if it's a really good one i'll have pages & pages, photos & photos of obsession before i even realize how sunk i am * however it works, i enjoy it all, every single day *

i have collections, too many of them * i collect authors (Tolkien, Hiaasen, John D, Julia, Gioconda Belli, Julio Cortázar, Galeano...), photographs & art by the wall (drawer, box, computer) full, stories (anything Middle Earth, rivers, armchair mountaineering, travel, Nicaragua...), my own dreams & -- yes, please -- crushes * i adore a good crush, always worth an easy smile, sometimes worth a moment of inspiration, rarely rocking my world openwide with a whole new perspective *

the boyfriend game

i play a boyfriend game that i must admit brings me a great & endless joy (i'm easy to please, isn't that obvious?) *

it's the undesirables when i'm out on the road or having beers with friends * "hey, don't be makin' fun of my boyfriend," i'll whisper just as my friend's eyes land on a particularly juicy specimen * perfectly illustrating the game, the best recent example rowed by while i was canoeing with my sister * her boyfriend (sometimes it's: "i didn't know your boyfriend was gonna be out on the river today") on the Green River was the guy jauntily flaunting the giant pink flowery strawhat * he looked so wonderfully silly & he so did not care one bit that he flirted easily with the purty girls (i like to see the beauty in them all) *

it's the desirables when i'm watching movies or tv, the onscreen crushes (easily usurped this week by a real man, some 18 year old scotch that one, Macallan), pure grins * part of the amusement is watching how my tastes change over time * my first movie love ever was that idiot Tom Cruise, yech * i went through my Russell phase a while back & it still steals my heart a little that such a manly man should be such a sappy romantic at heart, but that was the last time i was satisfied with a nice body (although with him it was the voice, sexiest part of a man) * i try to keep picking new ones but it's hard lately * the game is s'posed to be about a pretty skin but i'm stuck on a couple with something real & honestly lovely glowing through their lived-in skins (like Viggo, Viggo ... & Denis) * just pretty just doesn't hold my attention any more * i want some spirit, some awareness, some livin' every moment -- even in my film crushes *

i get played

once in a great, lucky while i fall head over heels... there's just nothing like it, especially when i know it will grow * i can tell i'm done for by how hard i try to write it all down (& how babbly i fail to capture the flurry -- which is as it should be, of course) * i love the whole ride * sure, i'm prolly crazy but what the hell? rather regret som'm i did than som'm i didn't, right?

usually what knocks me to my senses is a place at the end of a road or far from any road (trains are okay) * this time when i answered Sarah's "how was your trip?" with "i fell in love" she didn't miss a beat, "with a river or a boy?" * heh... yes * this time there was a man to match the place but he stayed out of my experience with expert grace & it was much more intimate without him (not that i wouldn't love to go out with him when he goes out) * that river was in my heart before i ever looked at it * i've heard stories of canyons, i've even loved a canyon or 3 of my own, but all that was so much smaller after 7 days on the Green * everything was smaller, especially me (i like that feeling) *

the church of the river

returning to my birth home, Caspar, has me taking stock again * i've been wandering for too long now & i'm looking for a home to keep me for life * i'm pretty sure i could stay here in this one * it's funny to love it so much & to feel still uncertain, but i guess i'll believe my home when i wake up on the first morning of my 10th year there * of all the places i've lived so far i can see this place is where i most belong... & i do so want to belong, y'know * the thing that gets me is that every day i spend on a great river -- the memory of all the days on all the rivers -- keeps a wish alive (sometimes it's those days that keep me alive) & i'll always want to grab it *

i've been too far from my family for too long & that's enough right there to bring me back to Northern Cali * am i arguing with myself? what's the big question? ...why do i live on the coast when i worship the river? i sound like one of those mountaineer writers who feels the need to explain why he's flippin' crazy * admitted: i'm flippin' crazy * i'll never get tired of trying to live & tell the river story, no matter how often i get lost in all the words that will never contain it *

the first most precious place i remember was on a river (i think it was prolly Lily Pond on the Big River near here) * the deepest, fastest healing balm i know of is river up to my knees * the river is my idol, my muse, my ever-lovin' mama, my ever-teachin' papa, love of my life, my own self... Big, Little, Sacramento, Russian, American, Smith, Eel, Willamette, (don't talk to me about the tragedy that is the Columbia, but do let it be a living -- dying? -- lesson to us each), little Deschutes in Washington, the Yakima, Elwha, Hoh, Sol Duc, the Deschutes in Oregon, the Bitterroot, Big Hole, Clark Fork ...now the Green & Colorado *

even with my family on it, the ocean is too big for me to get my heart around * much respect, but i'll never trust it (i fully, deliciously, reverently understand that the river could take me just as quick -- i should be so lucky -- but it's different) * a river i can get to know, for a season or two, & i can understand so much of the cycle: a few fish, a mob of birds, all colours in the rocks & critters, low beachy summers to never-the-same-again springs, swimming hole, fishing hole, drinking hole, pathway, discovery, the web that connects us all, the blood of the land, the breathing spirit of life... the river reminds me what life really is * it's muddy clean, it's changing stillness, it's sweet brutality * it's a wet that goes all through me & dries me out * it's the biggest thing in the world, & makes me the smallest -- but a part, part again of it all *

a real dream

i sat down to create this page (& have sat here for hours) intending to admit, in the unblushing spirit of these pages, that i met my dream guy, a real life, real man, like maybe one other that i've ever met (& still love) * heart mind body & spirit all aglow * if i could pick mine out at the pound like i did my Pip, i'd take this one home without hesitation * i didn't even know what would make a guy my dream guy... i do remember i reacted the same way to the other one (never forget that first meeting & how it made my heart beat harder for days) & i was right, too, even if the romance didn't last forever (the friendship will) * this one i didn't get to try & even if i never get a taste of that particular dream, the glimpse of it restored a potent hope *

see, i'm just a simple girl * i believe i'm meant to be with somebody, that my life would be more complete & more fulfilling with somebody to share it * i like to think there's one somebody out there in the big, crowded world for me (there may be more than one but i only need to find one) * & just because i want it that way, just because i'm capable of living it that way, life will hand that big big love to me so long as i keep myself open to the unexpected treasures * ... sigh, i know ... don't worry, if i end up alone i'm gonna enjoy every single second of it anyway * but o man o man, so nice to come upon a dream i could spend a life in * makes me think i might find mine after all *

so thank you, Devin * i've written this as if you'll never read it (as if nobody will ever read it, as always), but i hope you do * the best part of a truly toothsome crush is to give the person a taste of his own wonder * i can try anyway, can't i?