leftie Sienna Moonfire Designs: Pacific Coast Picture Stories * Website Creation & Maintenance

Sienna Moonfire Designs

Pacific Coast Picture Stories
Website Creation & Maintenance

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the Obsession Chronicles

"And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive
where we started and know the place for the first time."
posted 15 October 2004

confession: exhibitionism for the shy

"i must get off on exposing myself," i thought last night as my heart pounded in a panic, suddenly terrified with the memory of some words i'd written in a fit of honesty * every once in a while i make a confession (on my site, in a letter or an email, in a conversation with a dear & trusted friend) that shocks me awake * "did i really say that?" i'll think to myself later, surprise coming in from all directions * admiration & gratitude for the friendship that allows the confession that starles me into awareness *

i love when other people make confessions to me -- fun secrets, scary secrets, not secrets * i watch Rescue Me because sometimes the ever so proud to be a manly man Denis Leary confesses that he wants to be kissed, "grab the back of my neck & grab my ass at the same time & kiss me" kissed * yeh baby (what was i saying?) * on Live at Beyond Baroque 2 i love Viggo laughing at himself after reading a sad lovely poem, saying "sad sack, sad sack... don't care, don't care" -- a poem right there *

circle #1 -- photo by Sienna, Great Caspar Woods, 10 October 2004
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circle #3
slide show at tyV: Caspar: October 2004
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leftie circle #3 -- photo by Sienna, Great Caspar Woods, 10 October 2004

for the Obsession Chronicles it's a game to tell the whole truth without censoring myself (except maybe to offer up a thin veil for the innocent to hide behind -- & yet get a taste of that drug exposure * sometimes i hold back, really -- the best stories don't always fit into words anyway) * the game isn't just about exposing myself to the world * it's not about that at all (though that sure can make the heart beat fast) * the game is to be so honest i knock myself to my senses * that's some scary good fun *

last week it was all this hooey about a dream guy * a real crush on a real man in a place that's as real as it gets * what a delight * wow... that woke me up * i take nothing on that page back, not a thing, but i appreciated from the first blush of the crush that it means nothing...

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& i love that it means nothing! i love that it being nothing doesn't make it mean any less * that's the joy in a crush * whatever it might mean (since it means nothing anyway) is some kind of a secret world where anything goes * thank gods i love the nothings... otherwise i'd never write!

real is one of those words that needs to be played with * sometimes the truth is in there somewhere between real & not real * in some ways my own reality -- all the obsessions, the crushes, the stories i put together -- has nothing to do with anybody but myself * like with my Viggo & the real Viggo * half the fun of a good crush is making up a story about the person you'll never know enough to disprove * of course the better half is getting to know a crush & being proved so right you were almost wrong * even with the little ones, like when Denis just wants to be kissed & Viggo wants to pick his heart open for a smile *

see, i'll admit those kind of confessions freely, easily, everyday, to anybody * what's fun is telling those truths that shouldn't be told *

circle #6 -- photo by Sienna, Great Caspar Woods, 10 October 2004
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circle #8
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leftie circle #8 -- photo by Sienna, Great Caspar Woods, 10 October 2004

inspiration keeps me busy

it's been one of those times where my hand can't keep up with my flooded mind * it's all i can do to wait till night when my work is finished for the day to break out the pen & paper * Pippin hates it because i stay up late with the light bright, papers spreading all over the bed, & i won't put my clipboard down to pet him * i love it when it's flowing fast like that *

from this wordy river
i've rescued a few scraps
a new Caspar rant:
never get used to it *
2 new slide shows:
Canyonlands *
Caspar: October 2004 *
a new poem:
d is for damnit *
& an old poem:
dream with the leftie *

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my horrorscope this week
(for the week of 14 October 2004):
The guy in front of me in the grocery store checkout line today was wearing a t-shirt that said, "Sublimely tacky, yet refreshingly unrefined." That's a perfect lead-in to the astrological advice I'd like to convey to you this week, which is: You're most likely to be happy and successful if you stop trying to deny the fact that you're a beautifully messy mass of contradictions. It's high time for you to celebrate your inconsistencies and regard your mutability as a strength. I encourage you to invite all of your different sub-personalities to a big come-as-you-are party in your head.

angel cards i just drew:
joy    peace    purification

how am i doing?
beautifully messy -- you bet we're partying up a big peaceful purifying joy *
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Junk Beach #7 (October 2004)
Junk Beach #7 -- photo by Sienna, Junk Beach, 9 October 2004
my favorite crushes:
Viggo *
Denis *
D *

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my favorite dream:
i was back with my neighbors from Corvallis, Abby & Jason * Abby was looking for their cat (they had Malk, Pippin's best pal, no cat) * they'd gotten a new cat when they'd moved but they'd forgotten the other cat in the old house * Jason wasn't helping * i was teasing them about being so absent-minded * she found the cat & went off but Jason stayed because we'd already gotten into one of those random deep conversations we used to have out back over a beer while the dogs played chase * i was enjoying his sense of humour & curiousity so much, laughing & thinking through the twists & turns of our conversation * i was thinking i was going to miss my best friend since we were all moving *

sunset #37 (octubre) -- photo by Sienna, Caspar Headlands, 10 October 2004
sunset #37 (octubre 2004)

later on in the day, the light sweet feeling of the dream reminding me of our easy friendship, i went back to the memory of those conversations, smiled thinking of the running jokes like the traffic cone left in sneaky places sure to make eachother laugh * my biggest regret when i moved was that i'd forgotten to set the cone out somewhere one last time *
sunset #49 (October 2004)
sunset #49 (October 2004) -- photo by Sienna, Caspar Headlands, 12 October 2004
questionnaire:
my answers to those questions he always asks on Inside the Actors Studio are as follows (today):
my most favorite word is story *
my least favorite word is forget *
what turns me on is my heart beating *
what turns me off is the rat race *
a sound i love is water pulling back through the rocks after a big wave *
a sound i hate is the phone ringing in the morning *
my favorite curse word is omigawd *
a profession other than my own that i would love to try is explorer *
a profession i would hate to try is truck driver *
if i end up at the pearly gates & there is a god to greet me, i would want her to say, "there are some people here waiting for you" *

Junk Beach #34 -- photo by Sienna, Junk Beach, 9 October 2004
Junk Beach #34 (October 2004)

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what i'm watching:
Lost
Inside the Actors Studio
baseball
...i'll get back into it again, i'm sure, even football -- speaking of, i did enjoy Friday Night Lights (great camera work, unnerving, & ya gotta love Billy Bob)

birds at my feeders this week:
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what i am reading:

what music is playing
(love that iTunes shuffle):
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Junk Beach #24: wavelight (October 2004)
Junk Beach #24: wavelight -- photo by Sienna, Junk Beach, 9 October 2004
slide show at tyV: Caspar: October 2004

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leftie self-portrait #6 with Pip (October 2004) -- photo by Sienna, Caspar Headlands, 12 October 2004
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